Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Have a chore you don't wanna do? DO IT AT THE BAR!! 

We all have chores that we know in the long run will pay off in a good way, right? But sometimes the idea of such a chore can just be overwhelming, especially if you're in a bad mood. Well leave it to Duke to solve all your problems. Yes I am here to say that if you're able to do the shit job at home, 99% of the time you can also perform the same task at the BAR!
Sure, it seems crazy at first, but think about it. What? Y'all need to do some laundry? Well, isn't it worth it to drive 10+ miles to the laundromat that's next door to a bar? Even if you have your own washer/dryer combo in your own home? You need to buy some groceries? Well even here in buttfuck NH, there's a grocery store within walking distance of a bar. So, you need to make some flyers for your fucking lame-ass band's next show? Once again, here in NH, there are THREE bars within short walking distance of the copy joint. I know what you're gonna say next, my piece-of-shit car is broken down and I had to push it there for work. Guess what? Even here in butt-fuck NH you are within walking distance of FIVE bars. Why you people spend so much time sober is INEXCUSABLE!
Case in point. Today, I needed to plant my Celery sprouts into dirt. You see, if you want to be a real farmer and grow your celery from seed, you can't just stick them into the dirt and expect them to grow. You need to sprout them by placing the near-microscopic seeds into a dampened paper towel. Once they sprout and spread out for a few days, then it is time to try and take these sperm-like sproutlings and transfer them to dirt.
Well last night I realized that the sproutlings were indeed quite sperm like. They looked almost as big as the sperm that squirts out my penis; they were very large.
Well I wasn't in any mood to deal with that on my day off. As large as the sproutlings were, it still was not something I wanted to spend any time on a Wed. when I had the whole day to myself. However, I knew that if I procrastinated too long, they celery would be useless. That's when I had my "EUREKA!" moment. I grabbed all the necessary equipment, and headed right for the BAR!
Here you can see my first step in the process:

In this pic, you can see 1. MY BEER, 2. The pods in which I will place the sproutlings, and 3. the glass in which the sproutlings currently reside.

So once I have all my preparations ready, I take a cup of warm water and pour it over the pods. They quickly absorb the water and expand and grow. (Notice how their absorption of water is almost as fast the absorption of my beer in the upper left hand corner of the pic).

The next pic didn't come out as well as hoped. Basically, there are a bunch of the aforementioned sperm-looking sproutlings on the paper towel. I am in the process of transplanting 2-3 to a pod. Notice how I am already on my next beer by this point.

FINALLY! I am done and can relax at the BAR drinking a few more beers. (Thanks to Kate for taking this pic). All in all this process took me about 90 minutes. It would have taken me the same exact time to perform at home. But I had SO MUCH MORE FUN at the bar. And you can do this too! Need to do your taxes? Why do them at home? You can do that at the bar! Need to clean your house? Order a fucking maid service and go to the BAR! Need to mow your lawn? Hire a neighborhood kid and GO TO THE BAR! You have NO EXCUSE!

On a side note. When I got back from the bar, look who once again used their sixth sense to know that in 3-4 weeks they will have some succulent baby celery plants to eat:



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