Thursday, April 22, 2004

His Name is OTIS! 

Yes, I have a NEW thrilling feature for all of you, my dear faithful readers. The picture above is of my new friend Otis. He's a darling, recently hatched Atlantic Giant Pumpkin plant. Yes, the type of pumpkin that can grow to be 500 to 1500 pounds.

Once a week I will post a pic showing good old Otis' progress in growing. And look! This time I was smart enough to place something near the plant to provide scale. I figured what better tool than a Series 22 Glock 40S+W for scale? And yes, my Glock DOES have a 15 round clip. Actually I have TWO! I was grandfathered as I already owned the gun before stupid federal laws took effect. Either way, my close personal friend Charlton Heston will take care of that in due course. That's a story for another day.

I do have my worries about poor Otis though. I tried this same task last year, and Vine Borers killed my plant while I was away in Latvia. It was heartbreaking. This year, I plan on gassing the entire area around Otis with DDT or something to make sure no insect can get within 5 feet of Otis without suffering a Hiroshima-like burning, tortuous death.

I'm sure y'all are asking why on earth I want a 500-1000 pound pumpkin. I mean, what the fuck do people do with something that huge? Obviously some of them hire cranes and place them on flatbeds to haul them to the local fair. Me? I'm gonna drill holes in it, place a bunch of strategic black powder bombs inside and BLOW THE FUCKER UP! Hopefully Otis will survive into the fall so I can pull this off.


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