Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Today I HATE Deer, Wind, and Trees 

Actually I always have hated trees. Trees are nothing but fucking communists. I know. I was once a Lumberjack. In fact, I was an All-American Lumberjack on the University of New Hampshire's Lumberjack Team in the early 1990's. The first thing we were taught in Lumberjack training camp was "Trees are Communists and must be killed to protect Democracy". It was a lesson I took to heart. But that is a lengthy tale for another day.

In any event, the wind and a Commie Pinko tree conspired to commit a crime in my back 40. Below is a picture of the scene of the crime.

As you can see, the wind and this 40 foot White Pine decided to annoy the shit out of me by working together to have the tree act as a Tree-Commie version of a suicide bomber. The wind basically placed the proverbial bomb vest on what appeared to be a perfectly healthy tree, only for it to come crashing down in an attempt to wreak havoc on any freedom-loving form of life in its path. Luckily, no such life form fell prey to this heinous attack.

I'm sure you're asking, "Well if you're such a famous former lumberjack, won't you have fun chopping up this lifeless heap of Communism?" To which I anwer "FUCK NO!" The true thrill of the lumberjack comes in the kill. Hell, for practice me and my fellow lumberjacks would dash into the woods and fell tres pell mell and leave them to ROT where they lay gasping their dying breaths! In fact, we often would venture into one specific woodland which was full of walking paths that we knew Commie loving hippies would use to mountain bike and cross country ski. What we would do then was cut down large trees to fall directly across the paths! That way, the fucking hippies would have to turn around, or carry their bikes/skiis over the felled Stalinesque corpses. And keep in mind we NEVER used chainsaws. The only tool allowed was the AXE! Chainsaws are for SOCIALISTS! AAHH yes, those were indeed my salad days.

However, this particular tree in my back 40 MUST be chopped up and removed, even though I did not get to enjoy the thrill of the kill.
Which leads me to my next problem. We are starting all of our vegetable plants this week for our garden (inside to sprout before transplanting of course). We have a lot of work ahead us. here is a picture of all the seeds we will use this year:

I am building a couple of new vegetable gardens this year, and this fucking tree landed right smack dab in the middle of where I had planned my construction. FUCKER.

To add to my pissedoffedness, this AM I stepped out back to smoke a butt and have some coffee, and LO and BEHOLD! Look who is already waiting for me to plant my succulent baby vegetable plants. Just the type of thing that will be very yummy to someone who has been eating fucking tree bark all winter.

And NO, I can't shoot them. They aren't in season dumb ass. Normally I just give them a field of corn near the edge of woods. Kind of like an offering to some evil God, in order to spare my more important vegetables. However they caught me on the wrong day, and I was pissed. So I chased them through the woods for a bit. (There were actually 4 more with these two).
Unforunately I know they will be back.

Either way, I know there will be at least 3 things I hate even more tomorrow. And you'll probably be one of them


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