Friday, May 28, 2004

The Mysterious Tony Scum 

I mentioned in my previous post about how much of a great time we had in Portugal last week. Our friends Vasco, Romina and Xico (aka Sicko) really went to incredible lengths to show us a great time.

Perhaps the greatest thing that happened to us was meeting the Portuguese Man of Mystery, Tony Scum. You see, it all started very late one night. Vasco showed up at our hotel with Romina at around 11PM. Mara and I were already REALLY loaded at that point. Vasco told us we were heading to the town of Elvas. This really meant nothing to me, as all I knew was that this town was near the Spanish border. In reality, I actually had no idea how close or far the border was. All I knew was that we were going to some bars and to check out this town. It sounded good to us!

After about an hour drive through some really cool back roads, we were clearly on the outskirts of town. There had been a big thunderstorm earlier in the day, and a thick fog hovered just a couple of feet off the ground. We bumped and lurched down this really dark, dirt path alongside of this long, low apartment building. Suddenly, out of the dark mist, stepped a dark figure. He placed himself directly in front of the car. Vasco was forced to slam on his brakes. Before I could even react, the back door opened, and the figure forced himself next to Mara in the back seat of Vasco's Volkswagen. Vasco turned around and said "Duke, this is Tony Scum". After exchanging brief (very brief) greetings with me, he promptly turned to Mara and gave her two kisses on each cheek.

I was pretty drunk at this point, only getting drunker, so my memory is hazy from here on. I do remember Tony Scum telling me that the apartment complex next to which we were parked had been the scene of a huge scandal. Apparently some apartments had been rented by some Catholic priests and politicians. They used these apartments to molest children. We all were disgusted by this, and happy they had been busted. Tony Scum especially had a disturbingly murderous glint in his eyes as he told me the story.

We drank in the car for a bit, and then Tony Scum declared he wanted to drink more. We stumbled down the road to a bar. The place was packed. As we walked into the crowded, sweaty, patio area, the crowd parted like the proverbial Red Sea with Tony Scum walking in front of us. There were no tables available, but when Tony Scum approached a table with two empty chairs, the four girls sitting there quickly stood. With fearful glances over their shoulders, they backed off and decided standing against the wall was a more comfortable place to drink.

Some of Vasco's and Tony Scum's friends came up, with some trepidation I must add. Introductions went around the table, and a couple of them offered to go buy a round of booze. We dutifully supplied some cash, and they disappeared. After about 5 minutes Tony Scum got impatient. He abruptly stood and wandered off. Less than a minute later he returned with a nervous waitress in tow with our round of drinks. We had a couple of rounds while chatting about various subjects. Suddenly, Tony Scum declared he wanted to leave. Therefore, we left and stumbled down the street. By this time it was around 2 AM.

After a rambling walk onto ancient city walls (Elvas was a stronghold against the Romans, Spanish, Moors (Muslims) and pretty much everyone else for 2 thousand years) we stopped to take a break on this tower on a very high rampart. Suddenly, Tony Scum turned to me, and reached into his shirt. I recoiled, not sure what this man that everyone else was so afraid of had in store for me. He pulled out a CD and said "This is for you". I held the disc up to a far-away street light, trying to read what the cover said. The text consisted of 2 words; "TONY SCUM". I thanked him profusely. He then said, "Now we go to other bar".

That is exactly what we did. The scene at the first bar was repeated here. All of us desperately waiting for drinks until Tony Scum intervened and took care of business.
Eventually it was getting past 3 AM and we were all feeling it, except for Tony Scum for some reason. In any event, we managed to make it back to Vasco's car. As we all piled in, Tony Scum did as well. We took off down the same back roads. Vasco and Tony Scum spoke to eachother in Portuguese. I don't claim to speak Portuguese, because I don't speak it. I can only understand bits and pieces. But with my knowledge of Spanish, and my very limited knowledge of Portuguese, I knew they were speaking of a place to drop off Tony Scum. "That's weird" I thought to myself. "We are in the middle of nowhere, and Vasco must know where Tony Scum lives".

Suddenly, Tony Scum began yelling "Aqui, aqui, aqui!". Vasco lurched to a halt, and with barely a goodbye, Tony Scum hurled open the back door, and raced across the road and ran into this field of long grass into the pitch black.

I asked Vasco, "What was up with that?" He replied, "I do not know where Tony Scum lives. No one knows. Whenever I give him a ride it is just like this. He suddenly yell Here! Then he runs across the road into the night."

I had to inquire further. Vasco told me that Tony Scum only states he has a place out in the country, but no one has ever been there. "No one?!?" I screeched?

Finally, Vasco told me that there was ONE person who has claimed to have been to his home, and they even took pictures from a digital camera while Tony Scum was distracted. But after he said this, Vasco muttered something in Portuguese. I'm pretty sure he mentioned something about the Moors, murder, and the "Comandante do knight da ordem militar de Diabo". At least that's what I thought he said. Remember I really do not know Portuguese. However, that phrase roughly translated means "Knight Commander of the Military Order of the Devil".

Now my curiosity was really piqued, however I could tell Vasco was uncomfortable talking about it further.

Now that I have returned, via e-mail, I have begged Vasco for these copies of the photos of Tony Scum's home. They are disturbing for sure. However I think it is clear as to why Tony Scum commands so much respect from those in Portugal. They also explain why there does not seem to be as big a problem with Islamic terrorists in Portugal, and why the Catholic priest pedophile scandal is much less prevalent in Portugal. You see, those types of people mysteriously disappear in alarming numbers in that country, never to be heard from again. After seeing Tony Scum's home, it's obvious why.

Duke, TONY SCUM, and Vasco. Notice how Tony Scum looks to the sky with the Devil Sign. I have 3 picutres taken at 3 different times that night. In EVERY picture, Tony Scum holds the same pose.

Unfinished wall in Tony Scum's house. Just a few more pedophile priests, and/or Islamic terrorists will finish the wall!

The latest victim. Is it a pedophile, or a terrorist? Or both? Only Tony Scum knows. Note the Upsidedown cross. It MUST be Tony Scum's home.


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