Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Some little known facts about your friend Duke

Actually, some of these are quite well known by readers of this site, but WTF. I need to update about something.

I used to mow L. Dennis Kozlowski's lawn!
Here's a pic of my old buddy.
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Yup, for a total of 6 summers I worked on the Tyco International's groundskeeping crew. Of course we spent one day a week working on the grounds of Tyco's headquarters, the other 4 were spent working on the estates of the Tyco bigwigs. In all fairness to LDK, we only spent one day a week at his house. At the time I was there he was only the 2nd in command of Tyco. We spent two days a week at the 100 acre of estate of his predecessor. That guy had a farm with exotic animals. I spent many a miserable summer day shoveling shit filled with maggots, chasing donkey's around a paddock to get them in where the vet could clip their hooves, and getting spit on by angry llamas. Perhaps the creepiest thing was when a co-worker realized that if you got the boar pot-bellied pig excited by yelling his name in a friendly manner he would get a woody and eventually blow a load. I was forced to watch this procedure once, because none of us believed him. It was, in fact, true. The pig would blow his load eventually. God I wish I could forget about that. The other thing I wish I could forget was the twice a season job of going into the woods to cut back all the poison ivy. There was 'bout 4 acres of intense poison ivy that would grow up and cover their view to the ocean. So the 3 of us would don full fisherman rain gear and in 80 degree weather go out with weed whackers and cut down poison ivy for a total of 20 hours over two days. Once again, to be fair, this was not for L. Dennis. He was actually pretty cool to us. If he's guilty or not of the charges against him I can not say. But there are far worse rich people than him, believe me.

I was the third best long jumper in the State of NH in 1989
Yes indeed, I did get the third place trophy at the state track meet. It helped that you had to qualify for the state meet with a minimum jump that was fairly hard to get. And only three people, including myself, did so. So basically, I came in last in the state meet. And all three of us were white and would not have even been within 3 feet of the worst state qualifier in any other state besides Vermont. But I got the trophy!

I was the third best Axe Thrower in the North American Lumberjack Collegiate competition in 1990This was a legit title. I was on the UNH Lumberjack team, and in 1990 the North American Championships were held at the Univeristy of Maine. It was North American because there were teams from all over Canada there as well. To be honest, I think I could have won the whole thing if I had been an uptight asshole like the two finishers above me. You see, everyone in the competition besides myself had the professional style throwing axes. These are the axes that have the uber-curved double-bit heads, so that even if you fuck up, the axe will stick in the target. here is an example:
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You can see the curved blade. Unfortunately, I still have my throwin axe, but while it is a double bit axe, it is flat on the top, so you have to throw it perfectly, or it will bounce off the target. I tried to take a picture but my camera battery is dead. But the other big difference was that my handle was 3.5 feet long, so I had less rotations to work with per throw as well. Basically, everyone thought I was a nut when I showed up with that axe. Actually they probably thought from the night before when me and Holmes were wasted and causing a scene the night before. It also didn't help that I was clearly drunk when I did the competition, little did they know however that I had also smoked a joint about 30 minuted before I threw. So, in a way, i DID win

Well that's enough for now. Tomorrow I will post a picture of Thor (my throwing axe) and share the story of my favorite axe ever, my good friend Cracky. The best splitting axe I ever came across. I once split 2 logs into perfect quarters (there was an inch wide dot painted on each log, I had to get 8 pieces with paint on them) in 5.8 seconds. It took four strokes. Oh man, Cracky I MISS you!

5 Comments:

At 5:41 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

You must use Thor on stage some night. Prance around with menace in your eyes. Then, at some point, whip it at the kick drum.

 
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